Dear God #10

Of course, I'm getting these thoughts right when I'm trying to sleep, right?

In any case, I find that I still feel guilty, for the fact that I'm not quite a believer anymore. I mean, I think I still believe that a god exists - maybe I just like to think that there's something more powerful, more mighty, than us mere humans; but that's also the foundation of why I believe that there are other lives in the universe.

I'm not exactly sure, but I think I still believe in the existence of God. Although, the God I believe in is more rational than the God that other people talk about. I just don't know if I believe in the values of Christianity anymore.

The funny thing is, when I ask myself what exactly made me question my own religion and beliefs, the only answer that I can come up with is that I read the bible. I tried; for a few nights a couple years ago, I'd read a chapter of the bible, which made me very skeptical. I questioned everything and just thought that, for the most part, all that was very dumb. There are good values that I can get from it, I know, but I can't just rely my faith on this...book.

I should really sleep now. My thoughts are going everywhere and that's never a good thing.

Dear God #9

Remember back during Christmas of last year when I said that all I wanted was a job offer? I really meant that; and I got one right before Christmas, and then I also got to have an amazing winter break! You've given me so much but I'm still asking for more! I was happy with the job offer that I got. I may have said some things that made it less desirable but it was a job offer in Software Development. I got something that I wanted and I didn't even try too hard. The interview process went smooth and everyone involved made it easy.

But then You gave me more and even bigger opportunities. Even though I do all these phone interviews with any company that contacted me, I never thought that I would actually make it through; at least not with these "big" companies. But here I am, preparing myself to go to Google's New York office this Friday, and to Seattle for Amazon next Friday. I still don't know how I deserved the first job offer that I got, but I really appreciate the opportunities that are open to me. So I'm (still) asking, God, please let me do well enough in these interview that I would get job offers from them! I'm not appreciating the first one any less; there are a lot of people looking for jobs and somehow I got one. I am sure it was a gift from You. But Google and Amazon are amazing opportunities in the sense that they have a lot of different areas of Software Development/Engineering that I can get into and I would really appreciate to be able to have that.

Why am I going even further away?

I made myself promise that I would try to get to know You better and get closer to You. I decided to read the Bible every night. I'm trying my best, but sometimes I just can't remember. But the more I read, the more skeptical I become. I am now rationalizing and questioning everything. I'm comparing Your words to what I know of this world, which is created by You. Why am I going away from You, instead of to You? I'm finding myself dismissing parts of the Scripture and believing even less. And yes, I'm getting scared of what I will be. I know I can't do this alone, that's why I have to go to church. I should find one here. I need this. Please, God, forgive me of my ignorance. And please guide me to Your path, and I will try to listen this time.

Dear God #8

Is faith enough? I know I have faith and I completely believe in You. I understand that faith is important and I should never lose even the slightest of my faith. But only having faith is not enough. I should also be committed, in my day-to-day life. It was quite strange for me that last night, when I had this thought, what came to my mind was a quotation from RDJ, "what's hard is to decide" (from the Oprah interview). I always say that I want it, but I'm not actually committed to it, I'm just saying it. I guess I want to want it, I just don't, yet. I have to decide that I really want it, and actually live by it. I really hope I am progressing that way, instead of the other way.

Dear God #7

Please help me wake up and realize that You are what's real in this world; he's not, and all the other things I want are not, either. I should be wanting and looking for You and Your greatness and understanding Your ways for me.

Dear God #6

I just want to thank You for giving me such wonderful family and friends. I know, as a human being, I'm never satisfied with what You've given me and I need to learn how to do so. But I really can't ask for better family and friends. So, thank You for letting me have these people around me.

Dear God #5

You're always here with me, guiding me every step of the way, even when I'm not paying attention. Please help me get rid of my ignorance and follow the path that You've paved just for me. I can't do anything without You and I need to remember that every second of my life.

Dear God #4

A lot of times You've sent me reminders so I would not sin. But even when I feel like there's the signs, most of those times I would ignore You and do it anyway. I'm sorry, I'm still learning.

Dear God #3

Maybe I need to be smacked in the head sometimes just to remind me that I'm never really alone.

Dear God #2

I really don't get the reasoning behind the things that happened in the last few days. Why exactly did they have to happen? I know it's nothing compared to what other people are going through but I just don't get it. If they are supposed to teach me something I need someone to tell me what it is I'm supposed to learn. I know all these happen according to Your greater plan for all of us; forgive me for my frustration these past few days.

Dear God #1

I believe that You are always with me and that You are the mightiest of all things mighty. Am I allowed to be scared when I know that I have You protecting me?