The Princess Diarist

I’m not a Star Wars fan. Not that big a fan anyway. I’ve watched the movies (at least the original trilogy and the new ones) and enjoyed them. However, I’ve come to love Carrie Fisher through her various appearances on talk shows and British panel shows. She was hilarious and I just love her attitude. Her passing hit me harder than I thought it would, seeing as I was never that big a fan of hers or her work, and I really don’t know much about who she is and her life story –– I didn’t even know that her parents were famous. But it really felt like we’ve lost something. I guess that feeling was enhanced by the fact that pretty much everyone I follow on Twitter, and a lot of the subreddits I’m subscribed to, genuinely loved her (and Star Wars).

I watched her appearance on 8 out of 10 Cats the day before her heart attack. I watched Rogue One the day before her death. During this time, I also watched quite a few YouTube videos about/of her and read a bit more about her family and stories about her. This is probably why her death felt more significant to me than it should have; I was learning a bit more about her, and suddenly she was gone.

She had been doing a press tour for her latest book, “The Princess Diarist,” in which, as reported by many, many media outlets, she admitted to having an affair with co-star Harrison Ford during production of Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope. Not gonna lie, my curiosity of the affair was probably the reason why I purchased the book on iBooks, and promptly read it through within 24 hours.

I had just finished reading “The Princess Diarist” a few hours before writing this post. I wish I was a decade younger. I guess most people wish that. But in this particular instance, I wish I could read this book 10 years ago, when I was a teenager. I see Carrie Fisher as this brave and strong woman, who’s always capable of finding humor in everything; in her complicated relationship with her mother, in her mental illness, and in her drug use. I loved her wit and her sass, which I’ve come to learn were also attributes of her mother, Debbie Reynolds.

I love “The Princess Diarist” because it shows how vulnerable Carrie was. She was self-conscious, scared, and unsure of herself. Understandable, at 19, and before Star Wars became Star Wars, before the bikini-clad slave-Leia that made her many people’s fantasies. I feel like it would have helped my teenage years if I had read this back then. If someone like her went through this, maybe I’d come out of it okay. And maybe I would have come out of it better than I did.

Her affair with Harrison Ford, although superficially sounds very fantastical, felt very real in her book. She worried about her stomach looking flat the first time she spent the night with him. She felt less-than, compared to him; inexperienced, having only had one relationship prior. She always referred to Mark Hamill by “Mark,” but would sometimes use “Mr. Ford” instead of “Harrison.” Could be just because he’s older, but I thought it might be because she looked up to him. And I like that at the end, she said she didn’t approve of herself.

Her words concluding their relationship, or lack-there-of, is quite touching:

So I loved him and he allowed it.

What’s interesting is that it looked like she never had closure. The affair ended when Harrison finished shooting, and they had never spoken about it since. They never even spoken about it during. Carrie was uncomfortable around Harrison, and maybe even 40 years later she still felt a bit uneasy around him. I find it interesting that, even though she said the affair wasn’t about love (it was about “location, location, location”), at the end she didn’t say it would never happen again or that it shouldn’t have happened. She ended it with a “maybe but should be soon” because of their age. And she did say that she might regret putting this out there, especially after she saw the public’s reaction to it. Can’t even imagine how Harrison is feeling.

She was learning about herself and about relationships; something that I think I still haven’t learned, and now I’m a decade too late. They say that our brain continues to grow and change until we’re 25. I’m now a couple years past that and I think I know who I am; I’m just not sure if I like who I am. And as far as relationships go, I’m probably no more mature than high schoolers in that area. I’ve never been in a real relationship. Most of the time, if date #1 goes well, I’m looking for exit doors by date #2. I’m 27 and I’m still running, something that Carrie seemed to have figured out by 19/20.

I just hope Carrie knew that a lot of us love her for who she was. Yes, we love the damsel-not-in-distress princess-turned-general too, who inspired many young girls (and boys). But I, among many others, love her sense of humor and honesty, her authenticity, and her strength.

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One thing that I found ironic and sad, in the Acknowledgements of “The Princess Diarist,” she wrote to her mother:

For my mother––for being too stubborn and thoughtful to die. I love you, but that whole emergency, almost dying thing, wasn’t funny. Don’t even THINK about doing it again in any form.

Well Carrie beat her mother by less than 24 hours on that front. Reports say that Debbie Reynolds suffered a stroke while planning Carrie’s funeral –– no parent should ever have to bury their child, I guess now she wouldn’t have to. Now they can be together again. My thoughts are with their family, I hope you all stay strong.